I haven't had a productive workout in over a week. My first final is Tuesday, and my mind is stressed and stretched. I feel like I often do when I just need a good cry. Really, what I need is a couple of good runs, and I hope to be getting that soon. Just another week and a half...I'll be through finals, I'll have the summer to spend with the kids, financial aid will kick in...just hang in there.
When I feel this way...overwhelmed, emotional, and closed off, I try to lift up my chin and look ahead to remind myself of where I'm going. This sacrifice is deliberate, calculated, and strategic. I often feel stripped down to the raw, like there's a much greater lesson I'm learning. Over the course of the past year and a half, we've sold a home, two cars, a paraglider, a base rig, my wedding ring, and now the dining room table I bought myself as a "push present" when I had Jet. They're just things...I tell myself. They mean nothing, and I probably need to learn to not associate things with emotions and memories. But, it's difficult to do. There are often times when I question myself and wonder if we've really made the right choice. I know that investing in our education will pay off immensely, and that this is a choice we've made. We're victims of nothing.
That doesn't mean it doesn't get tough.
I realize how much better I have it now than I did a few years ago. I'd much rather have time with my children than any monetary item. I have a family that puts up with me. I'm watching my husband grow. I like my therapist. I'm learning information that I love and find challenging. I'm working towards a badly needed, highly demanded, lucrative career in the medical field where my mind and body do what they were created to do....help people. Not that I wasn't good at my former career. I believe that I was. But, sitting in a meeting room hammering out strategy for streamlined operations for a corporation wondering when or if I'd get the next promotion started to feel like a rat race.
I might have even grown a whisker.
I think about where I'm at now, and I know that it's by design. I'm growing and learning. I'm coming into my own, what I was meant for. I'm teaching my children about the tenacity and willingness to sacrifice that I want to see them develop inside of them. This isn't forever. It's for a purpose. Finals will be over before I know it...financial aid will kick in....we'll go on a camping vacation...I'll go for a run. I may even get that cry in.
It will even out, it always does.
One of the places I study.
The room our children share.
Where I have my cup(s) of coffee.
One of the few things that keeps me sane.
The sweetest boy I've ever known.
Where I write.
