Boundaries

"I'm no longer willing to lose my self-esteem, self-respect, my children's well-being, my job, my possessions, safety, credit, sanity, or myself to preserve a relationship. I can occasionally give up something during conflict negotiation, but I'm no longer willing to mindlessly lose anything I have for the sake of a relationship." -Melody Beattie, Beyond Codependency.

I read those words for the first time in January of 2009, and they changed my life. At first, I thought that they were so selfish. Isn't a relationship all about give and take, and really about giving more than you get? I mean, that's what I'd always heard...but what if one person does more of the giving, so much that they start to give away parts of their own self-respect?

"No one can make you mad..." a therapist once told me. "Any emotion you feel is because you allow yourself to feel it." "But you don't understand what happened..." I told her. "It doesn't matter," she interjected. "Own your own choices, your feelings. It's okay to be angry, it's okay to feel pain. Realize that you're allowing yourself to feel these emotions. Let the full emotion wash over you, and then allow yourself to release it."

Often, people who feel victimized have poor boundaries. I know that I did, sometimes I still do. We allow others to cross the line that establishes our personal territory, and then we get angry when one does so. The question that we should not be asking is, "Why do they do this to me?" The question we should be asking is, "Why do I allow them to do this to me?" Boundaries aren't at all about the other person, they're about loving and respecting ourself to expect more from yours truly. Establishing healthy boundaries pulls the victim out of the situation. We empower ourselves and our choices in doing so. It doesn't have to be done in a hurtful manner, we don't have to put up walls or write them on a white board for all to see. We can do them quietly, gently, alone. It takes introspection to understand where we feel frustration or victimized in our lives and ask ourselves what we are doing to allow it to happen.

I had a few that I began to establish...

• I will no longer gossip even when others in the room are doing so. I will find a way to softly exit.
• I will no longer sacrifice my workout time or eating habits to the will or schedule of others. If I choose to forego, it is because it is my choice to do so.
• I will no longer refuse to forgive someone, play games, or allow myself to be drawn into an argument. I will think about what I'm responsible for & apologize promptly, I'll be direct and loving when I need to confront, I will deliberately make an effort to release pain I'm holding onto and allow forgiveness.
• If I feel insecure, I feel insecure. If I hurt, I hurt. I will no longer wave my battlewounds. If others ask me about them, I'll talk openly and honestly within my comfort level. I'll give myself time and introspection before trying to articulate.
• I will no longer place a work schedule, paycheck, lifestyle, or anything else at a priority where they take away from my health, balance, or my children's need for my presence. I will not come to the end of my life and wish I'd given more to my health, true happiness, or children's well-being.

I'd love to say that I wrote these down, and...BAM!! I changed. Not so. Growing is a process, a huge first-step is to recognize the areas that are underdeveloped and need attention. Where we are isn't where we are going to be, and it takes accountability, time, and self-reflection to make strides in the right direction. If we write out our boundaries correctly, they should be very high standards to live up to. That's a good thing, allow yourself the journey.
In time, it makes it easy to come to understand that we didn't eat those chili cheese fries because our husband wanted them and we were so selfless that we gave up our workout time for a trip to Sonic. We ate those fries because we chose to...and we could have chosen differently. The same goes for everything else.

Smokin' Hot Mamas

"Why is there an unspoken rule that a good mother must be stressed-out, worn-out, and self-sacrificing to the point of losing herself along the way? As a mom, we hold our child's hopes and dreams in our hands. Daily, we are shaping their self-image, character, and childhood memories. With such a task, we often sacrifice our own happiness and health believing that's what a good mother does. But, how can you be the provider of a good self-image if you are unhappy with your own self-image...

...A Smokin' Hot Mama is a woman on a journey to discovering happiness, health, purpose, and a life worth loving. She recognizes she must care for herself in order to truly care for her family. She is not perfect, but she's getting better with each new day. She's rekindling her hopes and dreams and finding true happiness within. The SHM Club is a place to be encouraged along your journey to becoming your very best. So, if you're ready to become the best YOU, to live in happiness and purpose, we are here to support and encourage you. Let's find the Mama you have always wanted to be...together! Helping Mamas around the world smile, run, dance, and love life again!" ~ from SHM's Facebook site.

http://www.smokinhotmamaclub.com/

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Smokin-Hot-Mama-Club/169624868164

The Blues

The second-most topic I get emailed about is depression. Considering that most of the people who read this blog tend to be female, between ages 20-40, married, have at least one child, and do not have a family history of clinical depression or suicide, the majority of the focus in this blog will be on that demographic. However, because depression is a really broad-brush that affects people of all ages, I'll touch on some of the more common studies for others. I won't go into childhood or adolescent depression or geriatric depression here. If you're interested in any of those, there is a lot of research available.

Someone once told me, "It's normal to have bad days, bad weeks, sometimes bad years..." It was a friend, and she was talking about a marriage. However, this is so true for so many different aspects of our lives. There are actually studies that focus on this, called "Marital Satisfaction Across A Lifespan". It turns out that in pretty much every culture, in each society, we all have dips in our marriage satisfaction, and consequently our psyche right around the same time. Why? Because so often, as women, our marriage satisfaction and our life satisfaction are tied together....not always, but often. When we're a young couple, the satisfaction scale usually tends to be very high. It starts coming down as the first child is born, the lowest point is when the family has primary school-age children, starts coming back up as the children become adolescent, and is at it's highest once children leave the home and the couple retires. It's actually higher later in life than it was as a young couple. This is common, and there are jokes about having a "mid-life crisis", because as people feel low in their satisfaction with marriage, life, and themselves at around the same time. They may do things that they otherwise wouldn't do. Often people who go through this might feel a little depressed, irritable, or fearful. They might feel like their best years have gone by, and there's no way except downhill.

Usually depression is co-morbid with other things. What this means is that depression is often correlated with something else that is also present. There are numerous studies that support this about body image studies (depression co-morbid with obesity), abuse or neglect (depression co-morbid with abuse), neuropsychological disorders (depression co-morbid with schizophrenia or other neurological disorders), drug addiction (depression co-morbid with addiction), and the terminally ill (depression co-morbid with AIDS or cancer). Doctors (MD's) in all but 2 states in the US are the ones to prescribe anti-depressants. However, a family doctor is not a psychologist (Ph.D.), and therefore they'll often require the patient to see a psychologist to continue the medication. This is to work through whatever other issue may be present correlating with the depression, and also to develop coping skills so that the anti-depressant is used more as a band-aid until the person is able to cope effectively without it.

The most common prescription medication used for depression is called an SSRI (Seratonin Specific Reuptake Inhibitor). What this is designed to do is make the seratonin your body already produces go a little farther. Instead of it being reabsorbed in the neuron that released it, the SSRI blocks the neuron from reabsorbing it so that there is more seratonin available. Seratonin is our "feel-good" neurotransmitter. It is largely responsible for our mood along with some of our other basic drives.

There are some natural things that we can do to improve our seratonin levels - the first being exercise. Usually, the last thing someone with depression wants to do is exercise....but it's important. Why? When someone has exercised rigorously for 30 minutes or so, there is a rush in the brain of multiple neurotransmitters being released. Dopamine, norepinepherine, endorphins (endogenous morphine), and seratonin are all sprayed in multiple areas of the brain. That is why there are so many studies on exercise improving mood. For people with body-image problems, this is a two-pronged approach. Exercise can improve the body image, and it neurologically releases those feel-good neurotransmitters. A healthy diet, good deep sleep, and a feeling of balance are all also very important to make sure that our body is at it's highest functioning capacity.

Drug addiction is a tricky one. There are numerous studies on "Cross-Sensitization" meaning that people with former addiction develop depression or "manic depression" which is also known as bi-polar disorder. However, studies in rats show that rats who have been stressed are much more likely to develop drug addiction than non-stressed rats. So, it's a case of which came first....we may never know, what we do know is that it's a vicious cycle. Often, prolonged drug addiction to stimulant drugs causes nerve damage in the brain and changes the brain chemistry. Emotions may be difficult to handle, often because the drug was a coping mechanism to handle the emotion to begin with, so the individual may have never developed proper coping skills.

If someone has a terminal illness, chances are that they will be on the SSRI until they pass away. Usually, end-of-life psychotherapy is prescribed by the psychologist, which is very different than other types of psychotherapy.

There are also life's dips and twists that may cause bouts of depression. The loss of a spouse, child, parent, or close friend can definitely trigger this. Giving birth to a child can cause postpartum depression, most often attributed to rapidly changing hormones following the delivery of a child and the adjustment to being a parent. The loss of a job, children leaving home, going through bankruptcy or foreclosure, a divorce, or anything else that causes significant life-changing circumstances can also cause bouts of depression. Sometimes, we have the coping skills that we need already to handle the issue. Sometimes, we need a little help through it. Usually, it's a combination of our own psyche and the degree or severity of the circumstance that determines what amount of assistance we may need. Don't think that because you might need help you are weak, in fact it takes a really strong & brave person to ask for help.

In all cases, it's very important to be honest about any alcohol, drugs, or recreational drugs one may be using with their doctor. There are drug interactions when taking an SSRI, and there are side-effects as well. Alcohol should minimized or avoided altogether when taking an anti-depressant (if you think about it, it makes sense...alcohol is a depressant and an SSRI is an anti-depressant). This can affect the side-effects from the drug and also give the user a large amount of variance in the effects of the drug itself.

In all cases, if someone is feeling low, a little helpless, having issues with getting out of bed, irritable, anxious, having suicidal thoughts, or anything else....there are people highly trained to assist. Sometimes, all they need is a psychologist to talk to and work through some of the issues that may be causing these feelings. If a psychologist recommends that you speak to your family doctor about anti-depressants, then you've got a course of action. There are many types of psychotherapy, and not all types are equal. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is the most widely studied and practiced, and the most scientifically-validated...when seeing a therapist, ask them if they practice this type of therapy.

Day Ninety-Two: Sweet Sandy B

Heartbroken. A woman gives us inspiration that everyone, EVERYONE, is worthy of redemption regardless of how checkered their past may be. Someone could be covered in tattoos, have a child with a porn star, and make a living out of building motorcycles, and they are someone worthy of love, a nurturing home, and a solid woman who wants to grow old with them. I believed her then, and I still believe it, even if it may or may not have been true of the person for whom she indended.

Sweet, sweet, Sandy B....I've had a week of nothing but Hope Floats, Practical Magic, and Miss Congeniality. I'll be watching The Blind Side tonight now that my kids are down.

As I watch all of this drama unfold before the American Snarky Population (me included), a couple of things that have been reinforced that wise people have told me through the years...

1. We cannot control the outcome. We could do everything perfect, and it could all fall apart. We could do everything wrong, and we could be a couple until our last breath.

2. Everyone IS worthy of a second chance. It's up to them to make something of it.

3. At the end of the day, what we really can rely on is ourself. Did we take care of ourself that day? Did we do something for ourself to make us be better, feel better? Are we growing in strength, individuality, wisdom, and perserverence? Did we go to that quiet place inside and find peace? For, we cannot find that in someone else, and we will often be dissappointed if we look for it there.

4. We all go through the fire. We all feel pain, we all have to make very difficult choices. Unfortunately, the ideal dream of a marriage doesn't exist.

As I look at these photos of Sandy, I see myself. I hope that other women, especially moms, can see themselves as well. On one hand, I see a mother - crooked sunglasses, shirt pulling down from the weight of carrying a sweet baby girl, minimal makeup, comfortable clothes. On the other, I see what working out, makeup, a nice hairdo, and a great dress can do for that same woman. There's power in both. Often, as a mother we feel like we're the former, and that's great...until we need to feel another kind of beautiful.

I hope that you take some time for yourself this Easter and recommit to yourself, to your growth, to allow yourself to feel pain, and to feel beautiful regardless of what your circumstance may be. I hope that next time you're in pain, you remember Sweet Sandy B, and maybe watch a little Hope Floats.

Day Fifty-Nine: Keeping It Real

Are you keeping it real?

I've been looking at everyone's blogs, at it seems as though many of you are. One person tried body pump & yoga for the first time, another had her whole family run the Cowtown 5k, and amazing Megan Rencher still has her awesome blog going...www.personalchallengefitness.blogspot.com. I've been swimming three times a week this semester, & have been enjoying the variety. I forgot how hungry it makes me, though. With consuming extra calories, I have to be wise about what I eat. Fruit & nuts are always in my book bag, along with my water bottle.

We're almost to spring break, & our courseload this semester has caused a lot of studying around our household as of late. Kimber started school & she's loving it. We think that both Jet & Kimber will be doing Spring Break camp from 8:30-11:30 each day M-F during the spring break week. That will give them a chance to be kids & us a chance to spend some time together. I've also got a Psychobiology exam the Monday we come back from Spring Break, so I can't have too much fun!

Jet & Kimber have been enjoying the zoo, the park, & spending time with extended family when we're not too busy with school & our responsibilities. Here's a photo of Jet with the Sea Lion & Kimber with Grandpops.

Day Fourty-Four: Your Valentines Gift

Heart Yourself.

Valentines Day is about love. Love yourself enough to recommit your gift of health.

Each holiday, each birthday, every special occasion when you get together with family and friends & spend time purchasing the exact gift...stop. Take a nice, long moment for yourself to remember what you're doing and why you're doing it. Your first gift to anyone should be the gift you give yourself.

Take time, journal about it. Read your love letter(s) to yourself, look at before/now pictures. Remember that your health not only benefits you, but your whole family is better because of it. Chances are that you'll live a longer, fuller life with your spouse and your children. You have more energy during the day & sleep better at night. This gives you more quality time in your day to be available to your children. And, if you're eating better, chances are that your whole family is gaining some of that through osmosis. Your clothes feel better, you feel sexier in bed, your skin glows, you look better, and the list goes on.

Even if you stopped your New Year's Resolution somewhere around week 3, recommit yourself to yourself. You're worth it.

Do: Have a lovely Valentine's Day. Enjoy the gift that only you can give to you ~ your health.

Day Fourty-Two: Vices

If you're a smoker, quit. If you're a heavy drinker, learn to scale it down...or quit. If you like some Mary Jane or whatever you call it these days...quit.

There is nothing wrong with having some wine with dinner or a couple of drinks every now and then, but if you cannot commit to a 2x2 rule (two drinks two nights per week...ususally cheat nights), then you drink too much. Not to worry, just scale it down to 2x2 and if you can't, then you might be addicted.

If you smoke the MaryJ, it probably reduces your memory, makes you act silly, and gives you a sense of arrested development. None of this is good. It's okay to act silly from time to time, but do it without assistance. If you can keep a steady job that makes more than minimum wage, awesome. However, most that partake can't.

If you smoke cigarettes, I have one word. Ewww. Why would you ever want to do that to your system. People lite up at an outdoor restaurant, and others ask if they can move to a table further away. Smoking is disgusting, and it makes your mouth, your skin, your breath, your car, and your room nasty. Smoking looks great when it's with a casual drink in a slinky outfit in a night out on the town at 23. But, when you're 55 and looking like you're 70, it's another story. It's much easier to quit at 23 than 55, so do your quittin' now.

All of these impede health. You need oxygen, smoking tobacco takes that away. You need hydration, excessive alcohol intake takes that away. Plus, someone who's addicted to anything but exercise is an addict who's probably out of control. Change your addiction, become addicted to the gym instead.

Do: Examine your addictions. If they're unhealthy, get rid of them. You're stronger & better than that.

Day Fourty: The Bridge

Around day 40, I realized that something had really changed in the dynamic of my family. It was I that had initiated the change, but I realized that it had affected everyone around me. I read about it in the book, The Language Of Letting Go, and realized that this illustration was exactly how I felt.

I felt as if I had walked out onto a bridge. I walked alone. The bridge was leading me to a healthy lifestyle, a different way of living with a different set of priorities. I looked back and realized that my husband, two children, and many members of my family, some of my friends & coworkers were all standing on the side where I once stood among them. It felt as if there were a gravitational pull of some sort pulling me back to where I used to be, the gravitational pull is called fear.

I looked ahead and saw the healthy lifestyle I yearned for on the other side. On that other side of the bridge were many of my friends, fitness instructors, trainers, and a host of people who made health a priority.

I yearned to pull my family out onto the bridge with me, but it was a bridge in which everyone had to go in their own time. I couldn't pull them, I couldn't push them. I could only wish for them to step out onto the bridge.

If I had to stand next to them, I could choose to go back. However, I didn't want to be on that side of the bridge. I wanted to cross it, to keep moving forward. I felt a little isolated, a little scared, a little worried about where that would leave me with my family & those I was close to.

Its okay to be afraid of success. It's okay to hope that someday others will make the same healthy choices because we care about their health, but also because we don't want to walk alone. It's okay to expose those we love to good food, and it's imperative that we expose our children to healthy cooking and outdoor playtime. But, in the end, we cannot force anyone to make decisions about themselves. And, we should not be angry at them if they do not make the same choices in their lives.

It hurts, especially when those around us are suffering for their poor nutrition, addiction, & exercise choices through onset diabetes, high cholesterol, and a host of illnesses & depression that only spiral downward. It can make us feel a little isolated, a little scared. Through a natural process when we begin eating healthy and going on walks, some people around you will start incorporating exercise & nutrition into their lives gradually, at their own pace. Just as someone influenced or encouraged you, being on the bridge will encourage others. Don't force it, release it and surrender.

Do: Journal about being on the bridge.

Day Thirty-Seven: Illness & Injury

Three weeks ago, my daughter was diagnosed with pneumonia. On Monday, my son was diagnosed with pneumonia. On Wednesday night, I began running a fever. Luckily, I don't have pneumonia. However, we've run our fair share of breathing treatments through the Cade clan as of late.

Illness & injury happen. We will eat well & workout all of the time, but at one point or another, the bug is going to bite. How do we handle it when that occurs? I have a different strategy for each.

When I'm ill, I feel as if my body is purposefully trying to stop me in my tracks. It seems to me that the fever, achiness, chills, or vomiting are meant to make me stay stationary and not worry about the rest of the world for a little while. I take care of the few responsibilities that only I can, but I pretty much shoulder everything else onto someone else...just like anyone else who's experiencing sickness. It can be a drag for us, and it can be an even bigger drag for those around us. I usually do not try and make up the days I lost due to illness, they're just gone. On my normal days off, if I'm feeling like I need a workout, I'll try to do something light. It's important that we listen to our body.

Injury is another story. Sometimes, we've got a debilitating injury that puts us out of commission for awhile. However, often we can change our exercises and still elevate our heart rate by just doing something different. For example, if you've gotten a running injury, you can begin swimming or yoga. Both will get your heart rate up, improve your flexibility, & increase your circulation. This can actually speed up the time it takes for your recovery because more blood is being pumped to the area when you get your heart rate up.

Do: Rest when you're feeling ill. When you're experiencing injury, figure out if changing your exercise will work. I always find massage to help with an injury, & you may want to try this as well.

Day Thirty-Five: Making Yourself A Priority

"Hey there, I made the decision that I want to start doing the dishes every Wednesday. Can you do me a favor and remind me every Wednesday? Actually, Tuesday night would be better, that way I can prepare..."

If you're scratching your head, then good. You should be. This is a perfect example of someone putting their responsibility on you. Sometimes, it is just this obvious. It's not fair to you to be requested to remind someone of their commitment, and its not fair to them because it robs them of an opportunity to learn & grow.

Usually, it is much more passive..."I can't pick up the kids today from school because I have that meeting I need to attend...can you skip workout today and do it?" That probably sounds a lot more like what we're used to.

Relationships are about give and take. However, they're also about compromise, negotiation, and getting everyone's needs met through our responsibilities to ourselves & to others. It's impossible to think that we're going to get all of our needs met 100% of the time. I "NEED" to workout & get a manicure & get a massage & take a long, hot bath... Never getting our needs met leads to us feeling victimized and resentful. Neither are good.

What I like to do when it comes to taking care of myself is to have very few daily priorities that need to be met and things can be negotiated around them. For example with the above meeting scenario, we can say, "Absolutely, I can pick them up. But instead of missing workout, I'll want to attend the kickboxing class later in the evening."

I try to first consider my responsibilities to myself, then my responsibilities to others. Sound selfish? It is, sort of. What I mean by this is that there's a balance. I ask myself, "Is this fair to me?" If the answer is no, then I ask myself, "What would be fair to us both?"

If we meet our responsibilities to others without meeting our own, we can become resentful. I know I do. Why? One of the characteristics of "caretaking" is that we hold other people's responsibilities at a higher priority than we do our responsibilities to ourselves. As I've said in previous posts, this leaves us feeling victimized, hurt, angry & feeling unappreciated. It also teaches those around us that our needs come last.

How much does someone really respect you if they're asking you to remind them of their commitment to wash dishes? Or, if they ask you on a consistent basis to forego exercising in light of their schedule? This is often a very difficult adjustment for people around you to accept if you've always shouldered their responsibilities in lieu of your own. It can be even more of an adjustment for you. It may require a considerable adjustment period, like...90 days. Expect grumbling and complaining. Expect statements like, "You can't skip just 1 night? Do you really have to workout 5 days every week?"

Another nature of a caretaker is that we WILL meet our responsibilities to others because its in the nature of a caretaker. I'm not going to let my kids go without a ride home, I'm not going to let my husband miss that meeting... But I do know that if I get too tired & don't make other arrangements, I very well might miss a workout.

If you have to miss a workout, you can work out on a day off (substitute the phrase above with, "Absolutely I can pick them up, but instead of missing a workout, I'll want to go Sunday to that kickboxing class..." or you can impose your wrench system. ("Absolutely I can pick them up, but instead of missing a workout, I'll want to work out at home this evening.") Having multiple options available & making yourself a priority will keep you on track.

For the manicure, massage, hot bath, and other "me time" activities, use your hour daily on your rest & repair days. But don't forget to shower after every workout!!

Do: Ask yourself, "Do I make myself a priority?" Think of examples. If you don't & it doesn't leave enough time in the day for you, then consider establishing some priorities & boundaries. When someone asks you what you've got planned for the day, your response should be, "I'm going to workout and then I'm going to..." This little phrase helps considerably.

Day Thirty-Three: Real Pain

Most of us know what real pain is. We've felt it in the depths of our heart at a point in our lives. It's the kind of emotional pain that makes our body, heart, and mind hurt so bad physically that we don't know if we can go on. We're not sure if we can get out of bed. When we feel it, it seems that our life stops & we've got to figure out if we're going to try and put it back together. If we decide to do so, then how? Often, we don't know where to begin. Sometimes this pain didn't happen all at once. Sometimes, it was present over a period of time - like someone gently rubbing acid on your arm every day during your childhood.

"Many of us were deprived as children. We may have been so deprived of good feelings that we believed life wasn't worth living. We may have been so deprived of love that we believed we weren't worthwhile. We may have been so deprived of protection & consistency that we believed people were untrustworthy. Our parents may have been so wrapped up in their problems and pain, so deprived themselves, they couldn't give us what we needed. We may have been deprived of material items: toys, candy, clothing, food, or a decent home.

Some of us were deprived of a childhood...

...For many of us, life is a big store. This store has two departments: the main floor, holding display after display of good stuff, much of which we can't label because we've never seen it; and the bargain basement, the room with the leftovers & irregulars. The room where we shop." -Melodie Beattie, Beyond Codependency

We all feel real pain at some point or another in our lives. Many of us grew up in a home that didn't teach us some of the things we needed to learn to be ready for life like how to love, how to love ourselves, how to make mistakes, how to play, how to forgive, how to fight fair, how to laugh and be silly, how to eat properly, how to express our needs & establish boundaries. Many of us lost a parent or a sibling. Many of us have lost a child. Many of us have lost relationships, marriages, even ourselves. Many of us never knew ourselves to begin with.

Emotional eating is one of many drugs we use to fill in holes that we have in our life. When we eat emotionally, dopamine is released in the brain. It is the same chemical that is released during an orgasm, a hit of cocaine, & when we consume chocolate. Emotional eating creates in us an addict. Often, we don't want to part with the pain because we've become so accustomed to it. We look for a way to make ourselves feel better for a moment versus taking care of ourselves for a lifetime.

We begin the process to fix this by recognizing the triggers that bring it about, journaling about those triggers & the thoughts of inadequacy or fear that might be going on inside of us. We start trying to find ways to identify it when it's happening. If we want to dig deep & find some of the roots, that may take an investment of time, energy, and a professional counselor's assistance. We reprogram the messages we've been sending ourselves & realize that its okay to feel those feelings of insecurity. Then, we tell ourselves what we are really worth, and that its okay to have needs, its okay to take care of ourselves, its okay to establish boundaries. It's okay to hurt & feel the pain wash over us. It's okay to release the pain to the universe.

We spend some time, giving our heart the attention it needs & deserves. If a boundary needs to be established, we take time trying to figure out what that boundary is & how to express it. Sometimes, it's ugly when it comes out, but that's okay. Its going to take practice and that takes time to learn what we need and how to express it. And, we made a mind/body connection and feed both with the love, nutrition, water, exercise, & sleep that they need. Its a process, it doesn't happen overnight. You have to give it time, be gentle with yourself and ask for help or forgiveness when you screw it up.

Do: If you identify with the emotional eater's real pain, pay attention. When you recognize the triggers, instead of reaching for junk, reach for your journal. Pray that the thoughts come to be tangible, & write down what they are. Then, follow the steps I outline above. If it feels overwhelming, it's okay.

Day Thirty-Two: The Bad Days

You wake up in a nasty mood, don't know why. Maybe it was because you didn't get great sleep last night...someone might have kept you up. Someone else might have gotten good sleep, but it wasn't you. You're tired, you're cranky, you're hormonal, you get ready for work & you hate the way you look. You hate the way you feel. You hate the world in general today, & there's no valid reason why. You've felt this way before, but it's been awhile...

You get to work & nothing goes your way. People are nasty. You hate people today.

You eat something that you know isn't good for you. You justify it. I've had a bad day...maybe you don't justify it out loud...maybe you don't even realize what you've done. What have you put into your body today? A cup of coffee and a doughnut? Not even a multivitamin, "For real!!"...you say to yourself. "Oh well, the day is shot anyway. Have I had any water? No? Okay, a diet coke will do...I'm tired, I need energy. My goodness, I feel like crap. There's no way I can work out today, not with the day I've had. I wish today just didn't happen."

Oh, for the love of bad days. Let me tell you, there will be many. You're not the only one, we've all had them, let me say it again....WE'VE ALL HAD THEM. And, you will have many more. It's the way of life. So, you ate crap...and it was a Thursday. There's not a person out there who hasn't done it.

You have three choices. 1) You can deny what you've done, justify it by saying that your diet was better than anyone else's that you work with even though it was crappy, and continue about. 2) You can shame yourself by making yourself feel even more horrible for doing what you did. 3) You can accept that you reverted back to your old ways, hold yourself accountable, forgive yourself, & move on.

I hope you made the third choice.

How does this work? You realize that becoming healthy is a process. Even if a switch flipped in you on Jan 1, it is still going to take time for the "new you" to become the "new you". Sixty days from now, you'll recognize what is going on & make the decision to go spend some time on yourself, maybe a little more than normal. You'll recognize that contaminating your system with junk, soda, or stress only makes a bad situation worse. Right now, though, you must forgive yourself & realize that this is a process. Where you are is not where you are going to be. You will have bad days, WE ALL DO. You will have days where you fall short of your own expectations of yourself. WE ALL DO.

Hold yourself accountable. How do you do this? You do two things: 1) You journal about why you ate emotionally. This is important, because the only way you can stop eating emotionally is to recognize the triggers & how you've habitually responded. 2) The second thing you do is switch one of your cheat meals out for the day that you screwed up. Why? Because screwing up costs you, & that's part of holding yourself accountable. You don't get 3 cheat meals because you ate emotionally that day, you still only get 2 for the week.

Now that you've held yourself accountable, you FORGIVE yourself. Then, drink a liter of water to start cleaning out your system, take a multivitamin and a TUMS (or 3), & realize that tomorrow's another day.

Try: Leeks. In the produce section somewhere around leafy veggies, you'll find these awesome stalky things. I love to make veggie soup using these instead of onions. To make veggie soup, remove the outer stalk of leeks, chop them up width-wise & saute with generous amount of olive oil & fresh garlic in a large soup pot. Then, add veggies (I like carrots, celery, fresh green beans, fresh chopped spinach). Saute until carrots are slightly softened, then add generous amount of water. Add bullion, pepper, & onion powder to taste. Sometimes, I kick it up with a touch of cayenne. Bring to boil, then simmer for about 45m. Serve with lightly toasted warm Ezekiel bread with Earth Balance Buttery Spread.

Day Thirty-One: Reflection

Thirty days ago, you made the decision to change your life. It came in the form of a New Year's Resolution. If you're story is like mine, then your decision wasn't easy. It probably took a lot of pain to come to the conclusion that you needed to make some changes. Only you could make them. There was no magic pill, there was no immediate surgery, & nobody in the world could do it for you. It is time to reflect on what you've accomplished thus far.

The hardest part is the first 90 days. Experts say that it takes 30 days to make something become a habit. I think that when it comes to life changing experiences such as this, it probably takes a little longer to get it ingrained. It wasn't until day 90 that it felt natural for me.

You went from denial to acceptance. You wrote a love letter to yourself accepting all of your faults & giving thanks for everything - the good, the bad, and the ugly. You've been educated on how to buy foods, how to cook nutritiously, and you had the opportunity to cook a meal with 5 distinct colors using no canned vegetables. You learned about the importance of water, & how much is enough without going overboard. You learned what inputs you need to obtain deep, natural sleep & why rest and repair days are so important. You learned about what sugar really does to your body, and how to engage in cheat meals if you're a sugar addict. You learned why you shouldn't ever allow fast food to enter your body. You learned about guilt, getting your needs met, & realizing that you are worth every minute you spend on yourself. Most important of all, you learned how to listen to what your body is asking for & started giving it the natural solution it is requesting.

I hope that you have found these last 30 days to be amazing. I hope that you've seen a difference in the way that you eat, drink, sleep, look, and feel. I hope that when you step on the scale, it shows you to be 4-5 pounds lighter than you were a month ago. I hope that people comment on how good you look, how clear your skin is, how much you glow. I hope that you've found a support network of people with the same interests to help keep you in the right frame of mind. I hope that you've been able to find a place to find local produce and unadulterated meat.

I hope that you never go back to that place where you were. I hope that you stay focused on taking care of yourself, regardless of how difficult it may feel at times. I hope you feel balanced, and if you don't, I hope that you begin to see a little clarity as to what is out of balance in your life.

Do: Take some pictures of yourself, read your love letter, write a love letter, reflect on what you've accomplished. You're beautiful, & beautiful things are happening. Smile.

Day Twenty-Eight: The Victim

"You stopped doing weightwatchers, how come?" I asked. "Time & money, just like everything else, Mariah." was the response. "Time and money, how so?" I could tell I was pressing by her sigh. "I do for everyone else, and that leaves me not having the time or the money to take care of myself."

There are usually two central reasons why someone plays the victim. The first is due to caretaking, the second is engaging in avoidance behavior. When someone does this, they're often doing a little bit of both.

Caretaking is a notion that I discuss in Post Fifteen. It is the thought that one needs to self-sacrifice their own needs in order to meet the needs of others. They derive self-worth from doing so, and it can lead to controlling or manipulative behaviors. Often, one doesn't feel that their sacrifice is truly appreciated, and so there might be a martyrdom complex that arises. This is articulated in the conversation above, "I do for others & not myself..."

I definitely engaged in this behavior when I felt that my husband & children didn't appreciate the sacrifices I'd made when I gave up my body to have children. The truth is that I didn't, I gave up my body when I chose to eat poorly and stop exercising consistently during & after my pregnancy. Usually, buried somewhere way below the emotion is the truth, & it often takes immense self-searching & accountability to locate it. Caretaking's roots are in poor self-confidence, not selflessness.

The second reason I describe is avoidance behavior. Often, we don't want to do things like eat healthy or work out. We'd rather scarf down the hotdogs & mac-n-cheese that our kids didn't finish while watching Dancing With The Stars instead of taking a dancing class at the gym & cooking nutritiously. We use excuses to cover up our true desires. Again, it takes self-searching & accountability to uncover the truth & be honest with ourselves.

Why do I mention these types of behaviors in a Nutrition & Fitness Blog? If someone is always the victim or avoiding the truth, it will often affect their health. Our mind/body connection is strong, & we must improve both together. We can never get all of the good stuff in life that we deserve if we don't work on ourselves. We will try out a class, then quit. We'll feel guilty & then act the martyr. We'll eat emotionally. We'll make excuse after endless excuse, lying to ourselves about what we truly want. If we've engaged in these behaviors, we must begin to talk straight with ourselves, believe that we deserve the very best, listen to what we're saying, & question it when it really isn't the truth. It takes courage.

Do: If you find you can relate to this post, read either The Language Of Letting Go or Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. In your food journal, write down the things you've been saying & the messages you've been sending yourself and others. Look deep down for the truth & be honest with yourself when you locate it.

Day Twenty-Five: When The Scale Moves Slowly

Frustration!! You sweat your butt off on a treadmill, exploding those last 10 minutes to burn any residual calories you possibly can. You eat nutritiously & chug water. You're working, working, working, and coming home to a scale that barely moves.

It happens to us all.

It took you years to put this weight on. It took you thousands of hours of emotional eating, choosing junk food over the good stuff, drinking beer, and sitting in front of the TV with a piece of pizza watching The Biggest Loser. It took you getting to the point where you were disgusted with yourself to finally change it. Not that you're complaining, if that's the way it had to be, then so be it. It's why you're changing your life now, so be grateful that you hit rock bottom.

If it took time for the weight to go on, then it's going to take time for it to come off. DO NOT get discouraged. Find ways to motivate yourself, concentrate on how you feel versus how quickly the scale is moving. Thinking you're going to come out of the gate losing 20 pounds your first month is unrealistic & will discourage you. That needle will come down if you don't give up on yourself. Set small goals, reward yourself without using food, look at then/now pictures, read your love letter, journal about your sleep, energy, & skin. I found that emailing myself a love letter when I felt discouraged was the best pick-me-up. It would help me sort through things & put them into perspective when the emotional frustration would get to me. Here's an excerpt from a love letter I emailed myself around day 25.

"This decision that you've made is going to take time. It takes commitment, you're worth it. So are Jet, Kimber, & Jason. You're so much happier when you've eaten healthy. You glow now that you're getting good sleep. Think about this, not the scale. It will come. Don't be so worried about how long it's taking, think about good you feel. Think about how nice it is to climb on the treadmill by yourself...no kids, no phone, no interruptions. Think about how great it feels to climb into clean sheets after a hot shower after a good workout. Think about how nice that massage is going to feel next Tuesday. Don't contaminate your system with junk food, soda, or stress. You are beautiful, & beautiful things are happening. Smile."

Do: If you're feeling frustration, do one of the many things I mention above. Be patient & don't give up. It will come.

Day Twenty-One: Sensuality

We are sexual creatures, and the sensuality of a woman is the source of much of the art & beauty in this world. I would argue that there is nothing more beautiful than the human form.

I didn't feel sexy. For five years, I felt frumpy. I felt like the best years of my life were floating around somewhere in my past before I had babies. I was mad at my children because having them took my body from me. I was angry at my husband because he didn't appreciate the sacrifices I'd made. I was upset when I'd see a pregnant woman who had gained a healthy 20-30 pounds instead of the 45 I gained with my pregnancy.

I was mad...at me.

How could I have taken such poor care of myself? I didn't want people to take my photo. When pictures were taken of me that I didn't like, I'd pray that they wouldn't somehow end up where anyone might see them. Those photos now motivate me more than anything because I can see how unhappy I was behind my smiling eyes. Does this sound familiar to you?

It's sad that I'd place so much emphasis on my physical appearance, but it's true. It's also true for the thousands of women out there who seek breast augmentations, lip injections, liposuction, and any other physically alterating procedure to make themselves look more attractive. There's a very strong correlation between how we feel about our body and how we feel. We see it in the thousands of women in America who are obese and on antidepressants. Which causes which? Maybe it's a little of both...

One of those amazing bonuses that comes with weight loss & healthy living is the sensuality that returns to the soul. The skin regains its vibrance, there is more confidence in the human form, we put on outfits in the bedroom that haven't been worn in years. We feel sexy again.

Do: Read your love letter to yourself that you wrote at the beginning of this. If you didn't write it, see the posting on 12/31/09. Does it mention sensuality? If not, update it with something that talks to your sensual nature. Go buy something that makes you feel confident & wear it. Pull out your "before" photos & take updated photos of yourself. Look at the difference - how do you feel?

Day Sixteen: Achieving Reasonable Goals

For years, I wanted to look like Gwyneth Paltrow. I loved the waify look of her body type, the long, lean, willowy frame. But Gwyneth has an ectomorphic body type, and mine is much more mesomorphic. Isn't it that we always seem to want what we cannot have? It was not until I saw some really hot mesomorphic super-fit chicks (Megan Rencher, Beth Belk, Madonna, Kelly Ripa, P!NK) that I started to reprogram what I thought would look good for me & my body.

It is important that we set reasonable goals for ourselves so that we can achieve them. Thinking that we are capable of losing 20, 30, 40 pounds over the course of a month is not reasonable for most people. Trying to obtain one body type when you clearly have another is not reasonable, either. We have to work with what we have, and understand what our reasonable goals should be. That doesn't mean that we cannot look good, feel great, and get healthy. We can, and will. And, the full 40 pounds will come off...if we do the right things & surrender to the needs of our body. It may take many months, but consistently investing the time & energy WILL yield the right results. But, we MUST be consistent & not give up on ourselves.

One pound equals 3,500 calories. That means it takes a 3,500 calorie deficit to lose one pound of fat. When attempting to lose weight, one should not take their daily caloric intake below 1,200 calories. If you're eating 5 times a day (three 400-calorie meals and two 150-calorie snacks), you'll be around 1500 calories daily. To safely lose weight, a pound a week (or 3,500 calorie deficit weekly) is safe. In some cases, two pounds weekly. If you have a lot of weight to lose & you're strict about nutrition & exercise, you may lose more weight initially. Also, if you've been retaining a lot of water, you may lose a lot of weight initially that is attributed to water weight. This is especially true if you've been drinking 3 liters of water daily, cut out sodas, & reduced your sodium intake...the water weight will come off very quickly.

For me, the most important thing was to start doing the right things and stop doing the wrong ones. I started working out & eating right, & initially, that was enough to worry about. Then, as the weeks went by I was able to begin paying attention to the number of calories I was burning & consuming. It has now been over two weeks, and we should begin to move from setting the right habits to understanding more of the science behind our goals. We should now start to put reasonable timeframes around our short & long term goals so that we will get to where we need to be in the long-run.

Do: Think reasonably about your weight loss goals. What is the total amount of weight that you would like to lose, what is the healthy & appropriate time frame for this weight loss? Set short term goals (bi-weekly, monthly). Set up a rewards system that is not based on rewarding with food. For example, if you workout every day this week & eat nutritiously, you get a manicure or a massage.

Day Fifteen: Getting Our Needs Met

Diapers need changing, coffee needs making, homework doesn't do itself. Making lunches, making dinner, getting a shower in, writing reviews, taking phone calls, meeting with the boss, Mommmm!!...It can be enough to drive someone crazy.

We wear many hats...girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, lover, father, mother, employee, boss, friend, daughter.... We have responsibilities that come with choices we have made in our lives. However, we also have needs of our own, and responsibilities to ourselves that need to be met. For a long time, I thought that being a mother meant that your needs never come first again.

If you can identify with this, then understand that this feeling comes not from an area of selflessness, but from an area of poor self-confidence. It comes from wanting to feel needed in order to feel worth. It is an incorrect notion, and requires reprogramming messages that you've long-held in your psyche.

How do you know you feel this way? If you are your last priority, if working out doesn't get done because of time & money, if YOU have to be the one to do homework, make dinner, clean house, then maybe you're putting yourself last while others are also putting you last. If you feel that if you do things for other people, they'll come to realize the sacrifices you've made and appreciate you for it...

Does it leave you feeling victimized, does it leave you feeling resentful?

The first step is to write down the messages that you've been sending yourself. For example, "I want to work out, but I don't have enough time in my day because of my responsibilies...I want to eat right, but my children want chicken nuggets & I can't get them to eat healthy food and I don't want to cook 2 dinners...I want to go to the gym, but my husband gives me a guilt trip even though he has time to tinker in the garage...."

Then, think about the needs that you have, and construct new messages that incorporate these needs. For example, "I want to work out, and to do so means that I need to share responsibilities with other members of the household so that I am not doing everything for everyone...I want to eat right, and that means that my children will also eat healthy tonight instead of chicken nuggets...I want to go to the gym and my husband needs time for himself in the garage. We will each take one hour to ourselves while the other covers the household responsibilities..."

Do: If you can identify with this, you're like so many others out there. If you don't respect yourself and your own needs, no one else will. Recognize that you, like every other human being on the face of this earth, has needs. Understand that if you constantly meet everyone's needs but your own, this can lead to being taken advantage of. In some cases, this can lead your children being raised to become irresponsible adults who expect other people to cover their responsibilities. Do some work to dig around in your past to see when you started sending yourself these messages. Start reprogramming the messages you send to yourself about your needs & your worth.

Day Ten: Balance

I went on a walk once about 7 years ago with a lifetime girlfriend of mine. During our walk, we were discussing our work/life balance. She made a statement that has stuck with me ever since. "I understand that work is a really, really important component for people. But, it's only one component in someone's life and for so many people, their entire identity is wrapped up in their job. They neglect their families, their friends, themselves..." This friend of mine has her doctorate degree & is one of the most dedicated people I know - to her job, to her family & friends, to her patients, and most importantly...to herself. She's also the best multi-tasker and manager of time I've ever seen. She can accomplish a task the right way in half the time others take to do it with less success.

We chase something, and life passes us by. It could be a paycheck or a lifestyle. It might be the respect of our peers, a promotion, the gratitude of our boss...it's an issue when it absorbs time, energy, and priority from other important areas of our life that receive a deficit of attention. It throws us out of whack, and there are negative consequences for this.

Being healthy & happy is really about bringing ourselves back into a state of balance. When we haven't been getting enough physical activity, nutrients, and water, our body shows it. Our skin gets muddled, our muscles become flabby, we have indigestion, we have difficulty sleeping. Sometimes, we even begin to get sick - heart disease, onset diabetes, irritable bowel syndrome...

However, we can also overdue it in the other direction, too. Not only do we need cheat meals to make us feel like we're not deprived, we also need rest & repair days. Too many days of rigorous physical activity can lead to injury and fatigue. Just like we need time away from work to get re-energized, we also need time off of physical activity. It's a constant state of determining what your priorities and needs are, and learning how to accomplish them in a healthy way that restores that sense of balance and harmony.

So what is the right amount of work & play, exercise & rest? Our body, mind, and soul tell us...if we listen.

Most people need to work out in some form or fashion 4-6 days weekly. Sometimes, after 3 or 4 days, what we may need is a good yoga session instead of a run or weight session. Why? We need stretching, mind-body connetion, relaxation, & flexibility. Sometimes, we need a good deep-tissue massage. Why? Massage has an amazing effect on the body. It helps get rid of lactic acid buildup (soreness), improves circulation, and brings oxygen to the muscles. It also works out negative energy. My favorite reason is that I find it to be 60 minutes of pure nirvana. There are days when work requires so much more attention, and that's okay...as long as it doesn't become the only component. Sometimes, we just need a day off of everything, & that's okay, too.

Do: Listen to your body, mind, & soul. Figure out what your needs and priorities are, this requires self-awareness & you may need to do some journaling. There are times when you need to push through, and there are times when you need to stop. Take some time to really listen & pay attention.

Try: Try a yoga session and a massage.

Day Seven: Cheating

Chocolate, wine, cheese, coffee...four of the reasons I like Europe. I love the rich, sweet taste of good chocolate, wine is so fine, there's nothing like a perky cup of coffee, and where do I even begin with cheese? When I first started eating healthy, I looked forward to my cheat meals all week.
Today is day seven, which means that we are overdue for a cheat meal. So, how do we cheat?


Sugar is addictive. Many people are unable to balance sugar into their daily intake without going overboard. I fall into that category. I have always been envious of people who can do this. If you lack self-control like me, you may have a sugar addiction. I will go into the addictive properties of the substance next week, but for now we must learn how to cheat.


The best advice I've been given as a sugar addict is to eat clean, healthy meals excluding alcohol or processed sugar for 5 days straight. This gets rid of all refined sugar in your system & levels out your blood sugar. Doing this curbs your sugar cravings substantially. Then, have two cheat meals (I do Fri/Sat dinners or Sat/Sun dinners...I adjust my cheat meals for holidays & special occasions). This could be a movie with popcorn, soda, & candy. This could be a date night at a steak house with a baked potato, wine, & dessert. This could be enchiladas with margaritas or a BBQ cookout with chips, dip, burgers & hard lemonade....you choose, mix it up. Keep your portion sizes under control. You will feel the difference in the way your body feels when you eat clean versus when you cheat. After my cheat meals, I long to eat clean again because I feel so much better when I do.


So, what do you do when you're at the office and someone brings in a chocolate cake that is calling your name...or you get asked out on an impromptu pizza & beer date? You have a choice. You can choose to forego one of your cheat meals and indulge. However, if you choose to do this you MUST forego a cheat meal. Allowing yourself only two cheat meals weekly keeps you feeling human while still losing weight. This also forces you to make a choice & gives you the option of being either rigid or flexible without feeling deprived.


Do: Plan your 2 cheat meals & enjoy them. Make note in your food journal the difference in your the way your body feels after your cheat meals versus how it feels when you eat clean. Pay special attention to any headaches, sluggishness, sleeplessness, acid reflux, or sugar rushes you might get.