Diapers need changing, coffee needs making, homework doesn't do itself. Making lunches, making dinner, getting a shower in, writing reviews, taking phone calls, meeting with the boss, Mommmm!!...It can be enough to drive someone crazy.
We wear many hats...girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, lover, father, mother, employee, boss, friend, daughter.... We have responsibilities that come with choices we have made in our lives. However, we also have needs of our own, and responsibilities to ourselves that need to be met. For a long time, I thought that being a mother meant that your needs never come first again.
We wear many hats...girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, lover, father, mother, employee, boss, friend, daughter.... We have responsibilities that come with choices we have made in our lives. However, we also have needs of our own, and responsibilities to ourselves that need to be met. For a long time, I thought that being a mother meant that your needs never come first again.
If you can identify with this, then understand that this feeling comes not from an area of selflessness, but from an area of poor self-confidence. It comes from wanting to feel needed in order to feel worth. It is an incorrect notion, and requires reprogramming messages that you've long-held in your psyche.
How do you know you feel this way? If you are your last priority, if working out doesn't get done because of time & money, if YOU have to be the one to do homework, make dinner, clean house, then maybe you're putting yourself last while others are also putting you last. If you feel that if you do things for other people, they'll come to realize the sacrifices you've made and appreciate you for it...
Does it leave you feeling victimized, does it leave you feeling resentful?
The first step is to write down the messages that you've been sending yourself. For example, "I want to work out, but I don't have enough time in my day because of my responsibilies...I want to eat right, but my children want chicken nuggets & I can't get them to eat healthy food and I don't want to cook 2 dinners...I want to go to the gym, but my husband gives me a guilt trip even though he has time to tinker in the garage...."
Then, think about the needs that you have, and construct new messages that incorporate these needs. For example, "I want to work out, and to do so means that I need to share responsibilities with other members of the household so that I am not doing everything for everyone...I want to eat right, and that means that my children will also eat healthy tonight instead of chicken nuggets...I want to go to the gym and my husband needs time for himself in the garage. We will each take one hour to ourselves while the other covers the household responsibilities..."
Do: If you can identify with this, you're like so many others out there. If you don't respect yourself and your own needs, no one else will. Recognize that you, like every other human being on the face of this earth, has needs. Understand that if you constantly meet everyone's needs but your own, this can lead to being taken advantage of. In some cases, this can lead your children being raised to become irresponsible adults who expect other people to cover their responsibilities. Do some work to dig around in your past to see when you started sending yourself these messages. Start reprogramming the messages you send to yourself about your needs & your worth.
The first step is to write down the messages that you've been sending yourself. For example, "I want to work out, but I don't have enough time in my day because of my responsibilies...I want to eat right, but my children want chicken nuggets & I can't get them to eat healthy food and I don't want to cook 2 dinners...I want to go to the gym, but my husband gives me a guilt trip even though he has time to tinker in the garage...."
Then, think about the needs that you have, and construct new messages that incorporate these needs. For example, "I want to work out, and to do so means that I need to share responsibilities with other members of the household so that I am not doing everything for everyone...I want to eat right, and that means that my children will also eat healthy tonight instead of chicken nuggets...I want to go to the gym and my husband needs time for himself in the garage. We will each take one hour to ourselves while the other covers the household responsibilities..."
Do: If you can identify with this, you're like so many others out there. If you don't respect yourself and your own needs, no one else will. Recognize that you, like every other human being on the face of this earth, has needs. Understand that if you constantly meet everyone's needs but your own, this can lead to being taken advantage of. In some cases, this can lead your children being raised to become irresponsible adults who expect other people to cover their responsibilities. Do some work to dig around in your past to see when you started sending yourself these messages. Start reprogramming the messages you send to yourself about your needs & your worth.
No comments:
Post a Comment