Day Twenty-Eight: The Victim

"You stopped doing weightwatchers, how come?" I asked. "Time & money, just like everything else, Mariah." was the response. "Time and money, how so?" I could tell I was pressing by her sigh. "I do for everyone else, and that leaves me not having the time or the money to take care of myself."

There are usually two central reasons why someone plays the victim. The first is due to caretaking, the second is engaging in avoidance behavior. When someone does this, they're often doing a little bit of both.

Caretaking is a notion that I discuss in Post Fifteen. It is the thought that one needs to self-sacrifice their own needs in order to meet the needs of others. They derive self-worth from doing so, and it can lead to controlling or manipulative behaviors. Often, one doesn't feel that their sacrifice is truly appreciated, and so there might be a martyrdom complex that arises. This is articulated in the conversation above, "I do for others & not myself..."

I definitely engaged in this behavior when I felt that my husband & children didn't appreciate the sacrifices I'd made when I gave up my body to have children. The truth is that I didn't, I gave up my body when I chose to eat poorly and stop exercising consistently during & after my pregnancy. Usually, buried somewhere way below the emotion is the truth, & it often takes immense self-searching & accountability to locate it. Caretaking's roots are in poor self-confidence, not selflessness.

The second reason I describe is avoidance behavior. Often, we don't want to do things like eat healthy or work out. We'd rather scarf down the hotdogs & mac-n-cheese that our kids didn't finish while watching Dancing With The Stars instead of taking a dancing class at the gym & cooking nutritiously. We use excuses to cover up our true desires. Again, it takes self-searching & accountability to uncover the truth & be honest with ourselves.

Why do I mention these types of behaviors in a Nutrition & Fitness Blog? If someone is always the victim or avoiding the truth, it will often affect their health. Our mind/body connection is strong, & we must improve both together. We can never get all of the good stuff in life that we deserve if we don't work on ourselves. We will try out a class, then quit. We'll feel guilty & then act the martyr. We'll eat emotionally. We'll make excuse after endless excuse, lying to ourselves about what we truly want. If we've engaged in these behaviors, we must begin to talk straight with ourselves, believe that we deserve the very best, listen to what we're saying, & question it when it really isn't the truth. It takes courage.

Do: If you find you can relate to this post, read either The Language Of Letting Go or Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. In your food journal, write down the things you've been saying & the messages you've been sending yourself and others. Look deep down for the truth & be honest with yourself when you locate it.