"Hey there, I made the decision that I want to start doing the dishes every Wednesday. Can you do me a favor and remind me every Wednesday? Actually, Tuesday night would be better, that way I can prepare..."
If you're scratching your head, then good. You should be. This is a perfect example of someone putting their responsibility on you. Sometimes, it is just this obvious. It's not fair to you to be requested to remind someone of their commitment, and its not fair to them because it robs them of an opportunity to learn & grow.
Usually, it is much more passive..."I can't pick up the kids today from school because I have that meeting I need to attend...can you skip workout today and do it?" That probably sounds a lot more like what we're used to.
Relationships are about give and take. However, they're also about compromise, negotiation, and getting everyone's needs met through our responsibilities to ourselves & to others. It's impossible to think that we're going to get all of our needs met 100% of the time. I "NEED" to workout & get a manicure & get a massage & take a long, hot bath... Never getting our needs met leads to us feeling victimized and resentful. Neither are good.
What I like to do when it comes to taking care of myself is to have very few daily priorities that need to be met and things can be negotiated around them. For example with the above meeting scenario, we can say, "Absolutely, I can pick them up. But instead of missing workout, I'll want to attend the kickboxing class later in the evening."
I try to first consider my responsibilities to myself, then my responsibilities to others. Sound selfish? It is, sort of. What I mean by this is that there's a balance. I ask myself, "Is this fair to me?" If the answer is no, then I ask myself, "What would be fair to us both?"
If we meet our responsibilities to others without meeting our own, we can become resentful. I know I do. Why? One of the characteristics of "caretaking" is that we hold other people's responsibilities at a higher priority than we do our responsibilities to ourselves. As I've said in previous posts, this leaves us feeling victimized, hurt, angry & feeling unappreciated. It also teaches those around us that our needs come last.
How much does someone really respect you if they're asking you to remind them of their commitment to wash dishes? Or, if they ask you on a consistent basis to forego exercising in light of their schedule? This is often a very difficult adjustment for people around you to accept if you've always shouldered their responsibilities in lieu of your own. It can be even more of an adjustment for you. It may require a considerable adjustment period, like...90 days. Expect grumbling and complaining. Expect statements like, "You can't skip just 1 night? Do you really have to workout 5 days every week?"
Another nature of a caretaker is that we WILL meet our responsibilities to others because its in the nature of a caretaker. I'm not going to let my kids go without a ride home, I'm not going to let my husband miss that meeting... But I do know that if I get too tired & don't make other arrangements, I very well might miss a workout.
If you have to miss a workout, you can work out on a day off (substitute the phrase above with, "Absolutely I can pick them up, but instead of missing a workout, I'll want to go Sunday to that kickboxing class..." or you can impose your wrench system. ("Absolutely I can pick them up, but instead of missing a workout, I'll want to work out at home this evening.") Having multiple options available & making yourself a priority will keep you on track.
For the manicure, massage, hot bath, and other "me time" activities, use your hour daily on your rest & repair days. But don't forget to shower after every workout!!
Do: Ask yourself, "Do I make myself a priority?" Think of examples. If you don't & it doesn't leave enough time in the day for you, then consider establishing some priorities & boundaries. When someone asks you what you've got planned for the day, your response should be, "I'm going to workout and then I'm going to..." This little phrase helps considerably.
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