Mixed Emotions

Last Saturday, I was getting ready for my girlfriend's party. I was excited because it was a girlie party, & the first one that Kimber and I would attend together. I had just done my makeup and was putting on Kimber's dress when I heard my phone buzzing. Like I always do, I avoided walking across the room to answer my phone thinking that I'd check it in a minute & return the call. Then, I heard Jason's phone. I paused for a second, then went back to what I was doing, not checking it either. Jason was outside with Malori informing her that she had a cracked radiator. His phone was on the charger.

A minute later, everything changed. Jason came running up the stairs, frantic...."Mariah, your Dad just called Malori. Uncle Dan's had a heart attack or a stroke. They took him in an ambulance to the hospital. Mariah, he was blue..."

I threw off mine & Kimber's dress and put pants on both of us, I called my girlfriend and told her what had happened. We drove like mad across scenic drive and got to the hospital. Your girlfriend walked out, she was shaking her head. You were gone. The breath left my body and I felt completely frozen.

Hours later, we left the hospital and went to your home. Your sweet lab, Jett, was crying. She had been there with you when you fell down in the dirt. Did she lick your hand? Did she nudge on you? She knew what had happened...she saw it all. Your sunglasses were still in the mud where you had fallen - dirt was caked on the right side. The plastic bags from the intubation tubes were strewn across the yard, there was mud all over the house where EMS had carried you out to the ambulance. There was coffee still in the coffee pot. Your sheets still lay were you left them when you got up that morning. Your toothbrush was still wet.

We got Jett into the home you would have wanted, with your best friend, Andy. I can see why you like him so much for her. We cleaned what we could, we searched for a will, we cried when we saw the letter you kept that Auntie Bev had written you when she was close to dying. We read over & over again the song you wrote for her after she'd passed away. We drank the last two beers you had in your refrigerator. We cried in disbelief that we never had a chance to say goodbye to you. A couple hours later, we returned to the hospital and were allowed to see your body. I stroked your hair, I massaged your feet. You were blue and gray and so cold, your belly was swollen. The intubation tube was still in your nose.

The week brought everyone together. There were hundreds of people at your funeral service at St Pius, we tried to honor you as much as possible, there was a rosary. The music was absolutely beautiful - they sang the music from the Easter service that was all about resurrection. Your girlfriend wore the celtic cross Auntie Bev gave you, the one you never took off. We all wore red & green ribbons - your favorite colors. Two of your students read letters they had written you. Malori and Donovan both read scripture.

Your wake was an absolute party, just like you'd have wanted. There were three different bands, brisket, chicken & sausage. We all laughed a lot, and cried from time to time. We took a ton of photos of us in our Hawaiian dresses. I'd never seen Julia as a mother, or Donovan as a father. You brought us all together....our parents, their children, and our children. We hadn't all been together since Julia got married four years ago. We've all changed so much since then. I got to go for a jog with my cousin Julia, our children got to play together for the first time.

I miss you, but I know that you are finally with your first love, maybe your last love. I don't know your heart, as you were so private, I don't know that many people did. I felt like I was intruding on your privacy when we were in your home that day and the next. I felt like I was looking through things you'd never have showed me...never have showed anyone.

Thank you for all of the beautiful birthday gifts, the sweet kisses, taking me on a date when I turned 13 and opening the car door for me. You never told on me when I did something wrong, but I really didn't do a whole lot wrong and you let me know that. You taught me to never, ever start smoking & I never did. You showed me that you always need to know when it's time to leave so that you never overstay your welcome...and to never share something that you didn't want the world to hear because in our family, anything shared gets out. I hear your laugh, I see your smile, and I can hear your, "Well, there you go..." favorite phrase when I've done something right.

I'll love you until the day I die. Thank you, sweet Uncle Dan.