Self Reflection On My 38th Birthday

There once was a king who governed a kingdom of subjects whom he loved dearly. The king's soothsayer predicted that on a certain day, the river they all drank from would become contaminated and everyone who drank from the river would begin to hallucinate. Knowing that the king must stay healthy to protect and serve his kingdom, he built a cistern so that he could store and drink clean water after the river had become contaminated. Because there would not be enough water in the cistern to nourish everyone, the king made the very difficult decision to ration this water for himself. As predicted, the river became contaminated and everyone drinking from it started hallucinating. The king, drinking from the cistern, remained healthy.

Days turned into weeks...then months...then years. The king was filled with great sadness as he saw the people he loved so dearly become sicker and sicker, speaking to the air as if someone was there. He searched frantically for a cure, but none was to be found. After a few years without a cure, the king was devastated. He was filled with sadness and the most profound loneliness imaginable. One morning, the king awoke. He looked around at his castle and cistern. He looked at the people whom he loved so dearly. He went down to the river.

And, he drank.

My 38th year was one filled with lessons. Some of these lessons, I'd already received previously & didn't fully learn before. Thankfully, where there are lessons, there are amazing teachers and friends. Bits of wisdom came from the most unsuspecting sources. Moments that I considered deeply painful I began to understand as profound blessings. Where I am is exactly where I'm meant to be, every moment of my life has been ordained. I've learned to be true to myself and honor my feelings, realizing that pain is there for a reason. The moment I put down baggage that doesn't belong to me, I am able to pick up the burdens that are mine. My crazy attempts to advise, control, minimize, change, influence, coerce, or bend a person, place, or thing serve only as distraction from the real work I need to do on myself. I've come to recognize that I have no right to have any expectations of others, the path to serenity is accepting others completely without reservation, accepting myself just as I am, accepting life on life's terms, and detaching from situations that are painful. Showing gratitude towards others is best done by honoring them as they are and letting them be without my reckless attempts to intervene. I recognize that just as my stretchmarks are signs of something beautiful, there is a quality that is both mystical and magical in my flaws. The same is true of all others.

This year was also one filled with blessing. We've had a few amazing family trips. We moved. We tried new things - our son started swimming competitively, I humbly took salsa lessons which brought about both physical exhaustion and humility. Our daughter, our youngest child, starts kindergarten tomorrow. I have the most amazing therapist. I had loving visits with lifelong friends. The healthy new buds of intimacy began cropping up with people I have so much in common with...people who passionately love those who drink from the river, while at the same time humbly ask God for the courage, the serenity, the strength, and the compassion to drink from the cistern where the water is clean.

Sources: How Al-Anon Works For Families and Friends of Alcoholics

King's Story: Mariah's Therapist