When I was thirty-eight, I learned how to love. Really love. For the first time. It went something like this...
Me: I'm here because want to talk to someone because I don't know what to do.
My therapist: What to do about what?
Me: It's really hard because my husband is experiencing a lot of pain, and he suffers as a result. And then, I suffer.
My therapist: You're here because your husband is experiencing a lot of pain?
Me: Yes. And he suffers.
My therapist: Right. So he experiences pain, and he suffers.
Me: Yes.
My therapist: And...then...you suffer.
Me: Yes. Exactly.
My therapist: Ok. You're here because you suffer because your husband suffers. Because he experiences pain.
Me: Well, yes.
Long, awkward pause...
My therapist: Did you cause the pain?
Me: No.
My therapist: Can you control the pain?
Me: Well...no. I guess not.
My therapist: Then why do you think you are capable of curing the pain?
The conversation continued. I didn't realize that within the 2 minutes she'd met me, she'd already had my number down, and that the next hour would just be the cathartic unleashing so that the exorcism could begin. She allowed me almost the entire 60 minutes to go through my story, taking tangent upon tangent. My tissues soaked. My heart broke open and laid bare. My insecurity of feeling as if the problem was so complex that it must be difficult to follow. She didn't take notes. She didn't seem all that interested in the details. She politely listened, quietly...offering me a fresh, dry tissue each time I needed one. Then, as we were nearing the end of the hour, she took a long sip of her hot tea. She looked at me lovingly and with the most sincere, penetrating kind eyes someone could offer. And, she spoke into me.
"Mariah...if what you are telling me is true, and I believe that it is...then your husband is a very unhealthy person. Healthy people are not attracted to unhealthy people. Healthy people are attracted to healthy people, and unhealthy people are attracted to unhealthy people. So, if he is this unhealthy...that means that you and I have some work to do about you."
The next few years...yes, years...took me on an inward journey that resulted in learning how to accept situations, people, relationships, and myself just as we are. If we don't see people as they truly are, then how can we really love them? What we love is the version of them we want to see, discarding all of the parts we don't like. With the unskilled coordination of a child trying to tie his shoes for the first time, I learned how to set boundaries so that I could start to participate in self love and self-care instead of living in over-extension and resentment. I was terrible at it, but I set boundaries anyway. I inventoried every nook and cranny of my heart....finding earned guilt and unearned guilt, and making amends where they needed to be made. I started backing out of situations that I knew were a trap for me, patterns in my own life that I did not yet posses the maturity to stop, so I just avoided altogether. It was ugly, really REALLY ugly. In the process, I angered almost everyone and deeply offended more than a few.
Here's what I learned....
Some people are stuck. They were hurt terribly in their own lives, often as children. They relied on coping mechanisms to escape from their pain because it was their next logical step...control, addiction, anger, violence, passive aggressiveness, immaturity, manipulation, taking, saving...They reached for the wrung of the ladder that felt better than the wrung they were dealt. And that's their business. What they put into their own body, how they behave, who they hurt, who they use (as long as it isn't me or those to whom I've been entrusted to protect)...that is their own business...not mine. The key to my own happiness is to accept them, me, and the situation exactly as it is...without the intoxication or inebriation of denial.
There are also people who find themselves somehow stuck and desire to become unstuck. These are the same people as above. But, one day they wake up and realize that what they are doing doesn't work for them anymore. Old patterns served well in old relationships and old situations, but are no longer needed and now they are a hindrance to the life they feel they really deserve. So, they seek out guidance and start doing the work...
...doing the work.
I've learned that I don't like unfinished business. Closure just feels good. I like having the kinds of friends in my life who call me on my shit, people who are kind, and honest, and real. I like owning up to my side of the problem, and utilizing dialogue and discourse to work through a solution with people who have the emotional intelligence and maturity that I'm attracted to. I've learned that I'm better around people like that...I like myself better, I feel better, I do better. It doesn't feel game-y. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't have the highs and lows that the toxicity offers, its much more boring..and predictable...and consistent...than that. It's two real women having a real conversation about real life. It's steak and potatoes instead of Oreo cookies. I've learned that I desire those deep, spiritual, honest friendships with the people with whom I am most intimate. People who at the same time honor and respect unspoken boundaries. People who never have to be reminded of where lines are drawn.
Healthy people are attracted to healthy people...
I've learned that if I find myself caught up at margarita night with a crazy girlfriend with a lot of drama, that's a reflection of me...what I'm attracting...and it's time to do a personal inventory. I've learned that I am highly sensitive to energy fields and auras, and I've come to trust my intuition like it's a compass that always points north. When I sense any of those old negative energies like passive aggression or manipulation, it is as shrill as nails on a chalkboard, and I can feel it from miles away. I've learned that, unfortunately, some people choose disrespect or are just incapable of respect. Either way, it is not an attractive relationship for me, and gently withdrawing participation is always best for everyone. I've learned when enough is enough...after being pulled and pushed, after holding the hands of the sick, after giving what I am willing to give of my heart, there is a moment that comes when I am just done. And, that's not just okay, it's what's best. It's not about cutting someone off, it's more like the tide rising and then retreating. We are not better when we rise because we sacrificed more....there is a time to retreat and give no more. There is something holy about not robbing others of their right and responsibility to carry their own burdens.
Veronica Shoffstall once said that love does not mean leaning. Holding a hand does not entitle us to chain our lover's soul. We must learn to plant and decorate our own garden. And, it is with our defeats, not our triumphs, that we learn the grace of a woman.
Love everybody, but never sell your sword.