I'm going through a rough one right now.
Five days ago, Jason underwent a CT scan that showed a 4mm kidney stone in his ureter that is making its way out of his body. His urine is bloody. His body is in pain. He's had a massage, beer, tons of water, and all of the other homeopathic remedies that are recommended. He's also had pain medication, muscle relaxers, and all that science has to offer.
Since Jason and I have been together, this is his 10th or 11th trip through a hospital, through a surgery, or through an ER. Each time this happens, I go through the same ritual....
I get angry. I get angry that his most healthy years were lived out before we knew each other. I feel that many irresponsibilities of his youth have had consequences that directly affect me. I get angry because I have to locate child care, asking for help from others (which I'm not good at doing), and try to find ways to meet my responsibilities. I feel put out. I know it's selfish of me to feel anger, especially when Jay didn't choose to have a kidney stone. But, the reality is that anger is an appropriate and common emotion for a spouse to feel.
Then, after a few days of anger, I get worried. I get terrified that he will not make it to see his next birthday, not be there to help me raise his son and daughter, that the last words that I spoke to him will be those of anger and not those of love. I stop and think....really think...about how lost I'd be...we'd be...without him.
Then, I get sad. I realize that all of us are getting older...our bodies slowly give out with time. I think about all of the living we have yet to do.
I have a ton of summer projects. I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish before the fall semester begins. But, everything got put on hold last week. As a wife, I feel like I'm always giving. Sometimes, this leaves me feeling completely depleted...especially when everything gets put on hold for a kidney stone that doesn't care what summer projects I may have up my sleeve. Everything changed last week. I had to restructure and once again learn how to deal with my anger, my worry, and my sadness.
A friend who found out what I was going through sent me an encouraging word when I needed one most. Thank you, friend. My sister in law gave me an amazing gift...Insanity by Beachbody...right when I needed a new program. Thank you, sister in law - I needed that. My brother came over and stayed with my husband and children while I went to work so that I'd be comfortable knowing that if Jay passed out from the pain, someone would be with him and our children. My step mother took our children to a birthday party...then out to buy shoes. My sister came and took our children out for pizza and pinata-shopping for our daughter's birthday. My mother in law sent money so that we could take the kids to see Kung Fu Panda II since she couldn't be here to take them herself.
I have many people who supported me in my time of need. It's not fun, not fun at all going through these tougher chapters. Just like the drought makes me appreciate the rain, these tough times are a gift, too. They help me to appreciate the better times, and the family and friends who are there for us when we need them most.
The Water Is Precious
On our morning walk today, we came across a coyote. It had come down from the mountains. We assume it was looking for water. It took a lunge toward us, looking right at Kimber. Jason made his body get big and loud as he picked up a boulder and the coyote jumped off into the desert back up toward the mountains. Poor animal. I'm not sure how much longer he'll live if he doesn't get a drink.
On May 10th, the same thing happened with a mountain lion. It came into the city, found a car wash, and was taken out as it was searching for water.
"The water is precious where the rain doesn't fall and a drink is welcome when you're dry..."
Grades post this upcoming Monday. Jason already hounded his professors and got his straight A verdict. He's a 4.0, non-traditional student who cannot get a scholarship. He's applied for several. It gets frustrating, but we'll keep trying. I think I did well, also. My neuroanatomy final was one of the most challenging exams I've encountered, but I got my exam grade and was pleased.
Last week, we went and saw the commencement ceremony for the graduating class at UTEP. We had a few friends graduating and wanted to cheer for them. Mostly, its selfish, though. We drag our kids out to the most boring event for a 3 year old. We make them run the ramps and stairs up and down for about 20 minutes. Then, we take them inside. We put one in each of our laps while they crash. We listen to the speeches, admire the robes, and let the tears well up in our eyes. We're suckers for inspiration, and there's really nothing more inspiring right now for us than to look at all of those who made it happen.
We drink it in.
I wonder how long it will take for this scorched piece of earth to have the sky open up and rain pour down on us. I'm sure it will come when we least expect it. One thing is certain, it will be much appreciated. The water is so often taken for granted when it is plentiful. Maybe these dry spells are meant to show us just how much we really have when we have it.
To My Children On Mother's Day
I see myself in you.
When I was told that you were growing inside of me, I already knew that you were there. I could feel you.
I nurtured your body with mine. I gave up all of the toxins that I put into my body...that I shouldn't have been putting into my body...to make sure that you grew with only the finest nutrients while you were inside of me.
You kicked my ribs. You stole my sleep. You wiggled when I drank a glass of milk and really moved when your daddy pressed his face into my belly and told you how much he loves you. I couldn't wait to see you...to smell you...to hold you in my arms. I couldn't wait to meet you.
When you were born, I continued to nourish your little body with mine. Nutrients poured out of my body. My immune system passed to you. You smelled so sweet. You knew my voice. You loved to nap with me. You nuzzled my neck and made sounds of joy.
I've watched you grow. I've nursed cuts and wounds. I've held your hair while you've gotten sick. I've changed your sheets at 3am, taught you how to go to the bathroom correctly, made sure that I cleaned the right shirt for you to wear to school. I've listened to your speech change, and tried to capture in my heart the way that you mispronounce words. I've made you eat your vegetables so that you grow with the right nutrients. I've held you while the doctor gave you your shots. I've felt my heart break as I've watched other children exclude you at the playground. I've held you when you hurt, I've dished out consequences when you've disobeyed. I've made flashcards for your reading words.
I've taken you for thousands of walks where we talk, laugh, grow.
You're destined for a life of greatness. You'll have the right education, you'll apply your knowledge. You'll understand your responsibility to make this world better.
One day, you will fall in love and they won't love you back. It will break my heart. Then, one day you'll fall in love and they'll take you away...that will really break my heart. You'll have a family of your own. You'll nourish your own children. You'll teach them well. You'll give them hugs and heal their wounds.
I see myself in you.
When I was told that you were growing inside of me, I already knew that you were there. I could feel you.
I nurtured your body with mine. I gave up all of the toxins that I put into my body...that I shouldn't have been putting into my body...to make sure that you grew with only the finest nutrients while you were inside of me.
You kicked my ribs. You stole my sleep. You wiggled when I drank a glass of milk and really moved when your daddy pressed his face into my belly and told you how much he loves you. I couldn't wait to see you...to smell you...to hold you in my arms. I couldn't wait to meet you.
When you were born, I continued to nourish your little body with mine. Nutrients poured out of my body. My immune system passed to you. You smelled so sweet. You knew my voice. You loved to nap with me. You nuzzled my neck and made sounds of joy.
I've watched you grow. I've nursed cuts and wounds. I've held your hair while you've gotten sick. I've changed your sheets at 3am, taught you how to go to the bathroom correctly, made sure that I cleaned the right shirt for you to wear to school. I've listened to your speech change, and tried to capture in my heart the way that you mispronounce words. I've made you eat your vegetables so that you grow with the right nutrients. I've held you while the doctor gave you your shots. I've felt my heart break as I've watched other children exclude you at the playground. I've held you when you hurt, I've dished out consequences when you've disobeyed. I've made flashcards for your reading words.
I've taken you for thousands of walks where we talk, laugh, grow.
You're destined for a life of greatness. You'll have the right education, you'll apply your knowledge. You'll understand your responsibility to make this world better.
One day, you will fall in love and they won't love you back. It will break my heart. Then, one day you'll fall in love and they'll take you away...that will really break my heart. You'll have a family of your own. You'll nourish your own children. You'll teach them well. You'll give them hugs and heal their wounds.
I see myself in you.
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