I'm going through a rough one right now.
Five days ago, Jason underwent a CT scan that showed a 4mm kidney stone in his ureter that is making its way out of his body. His urine is bloody. His body is in pain. He's had a massage, beer, tons of water, and all of the other homeopathic remedies that are recommended. He's also had pain medication, muscle relaxers, and all that science has to offer.
Since Jason and I have been together, this is his 10th or 11th trip through a hospital, through a surgery, or through an ER. Each time this happens, I go through the same ritual....
I get angry. I get angry that his most healthy years were lived out before we knew each other. I feel that many irresponsibilities of his youth have had consequences that directly affect me. I get angry because I have to locate child care, asking for help from others (which I'm not good at doing), and try to find ways to meet my responsibilities. I feel put out. I know it's selfish of me to feel anger, especially when Jay didn't choose to have a kidney stone. But, the reality is that anger is an appropriate and common emotion for a spouse to feel.
Then, after a few days of anger, I get worried. I get terrified that he will not make it to see his next birthday, not be there to help me raise his son and daughter, that the last words that I spoke to him will be those of anger and not those of love. I stop and think....really think...about how lost I'd be...we'd be...without him.
Then, I get sad. I realize that all of us are getting older...our bodies slowly give out with time. I think about all of the living we have yet to do.
I have a ton of summer projects. I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish before the fall semester begins. But, everything got put on hold last week. As a wife, I feel like I'm always giving. Sometimes, this leaves me feeling completely depleted...especially when everything gets put on hold for a kidney stone that doesn't care what summer projects I may have up my sleeve. Everything changed last week. I had to restructure and once again learn how to deal with my anger, my worry, and my sadness.
A friend who found out what I was going through sent me an encouraging word when I needed one most. Thank you, friend. My sister in law gave me an amazing gift...Insanity by Beachbody...right when I needed a new program. Thank you, sister in law - I needed that. My brother came over and stayed with my husband and children while I went to work so that I'd be comfortable knowing that if Jay passed out from the pain, someone would be with him and our children. My step mother took our children to a birthday party...then out to buy shoes. My sister came and took our children out for pizza and pinata-shopping for our daughter's birthday. My mother in law sent money so that we could take the kids to see Kung Fu Panda II since she couldn't be here to take them herself.
I have many people who supported me in my time of need. It's not fun, not fun at all going through these tougher chapters. Just like the drought makes me appreciate the rain, these tough times are a gift, too. They help me to appreciate the better times, and the family and friends who are there for us when we need them most.