Self Reflection On My 36th Birthday.

I'm 36 today. I remember when I thought that was old. I tell myself all the time that I'm 10 years younger, not because I'm embarrassed to admit my age, but because I feel like I'm 26, and because I think that I'll be retiring 10 years later than most people.

Last year, I gave myself a birthday gift - the gift of health. I lost weight, I learned how to exercise, eat, and drink correctly. I learned that the only way I'd live a long, strong life was to make some difficult decisions and reprioritize. I had a lot of tough conversations with myself.

That journey continued into this year. I was finally able to make the change to spend more time with my children and restore balance by changing the hectic work schedule I'd kept for years. I was tired of being an employee & boss first and a mother second. I left the workforce to pursue being a mom full-time and a student full-time...in that order. I know it's not forever, and one day I'll be returning - but it won't ever be like it was before.

This year, I did something else. I stopped feeling guilty....about everything. I don't know how it happened - I've always been such a worrier. I stopped trying to please everyone, I started thinking about how to purposefully give the time and energy to the things that should be given priority in my life. I stopped apologizing for how I feel, worrying about what others thought of me, trying to fill the space in uncomfortable silences. I don't know if that's a good thing - I've been more outspoken with my opinion and have hurt & offended some. However, my opinion hasn't been one of judgement towards others, and I've realized that it's perfectly alright to disagree with those we love and care about. I've come to not take things so personally, & just instead to apologize when I need to and not worry so much about the rest. Maybe that's because I exited Corporate America and all of the diplomatic bullshit that comes with everyone blowing sunshine up each other's backsides. Maybe its just simply because I'm getting older.

In my 36th year, I have a lot of work to do. I still don't trust. I still don't let people in. I do to an extent, but then I have a wall that goes up. When the people in my life hurt me, which they inevitably will do, I close off. I'm going to continue the journey inward to try and work through that. I will also continue to try and release old hurts and forgive, my most challenging task ever. Maybe these are two sides of the same coin. I just know that I don't do well with gossip, I hate superficiality, and I want nothing to do with PTA. What's crazy is that this is exactly what I would have described myself as two years ago - the qualities in a woman that I now cannot stand.

I've also got a couple of other goals...be more concise (as you can see from this post - definite need), complete P90X (at least one round, but hopefully many), quit drinking alcohol entirely with the exception of holidays and rare occasions...I hate the way it zapps my energy and affects my sleep when I drink it. Plus, it's expensive and I'm on a budget. Oh, and the biggest one...make more of an effort to keep in touch with my friends and family and see what's going on in their lives - calling them just to talk and see how they're doing.

We'll see on August 27, 2011 how I do. Happy birthday, babe.