Dear Soldier,
If what you want is a healthy, happy life with a healthy, happy wife and kids...this is for you. I'm about to give you some nuggets, the key, if you will, to having it all. If you love suiting up in your uniform, crossing oceans to move mountains for our country, posting facebook photos of you eating street cuisine with the locals, and coming home to serenity...listen up. This one's for you, Soldier.
Close your eyes for a minute and imagine that you've switched places with her. Imagine that you're up each night working on school projects, talking to an emotional child who misses their mommy, fitting in your daily workout with work commitments with grocery shopping and teacher's conferences. Imagine that every time you check your email, someone is asking you how she's doing. When you hear from her, it's only for a few minutes every few days where she talks about her mission, her job, her.... Imagine that after working, and cooking, and carpooling, and grocery-shopping you come home to an empty bed. Invisible. No medal on your uniform.
The woman you choose and how you treat her will make or break you.
Choose wisely.
The woman who is going to thrive by your side is a strong, lively, independent woman. She has her own friends, is a great multi-tasker, has good relationships and great boundaries. She doesn't need your help when it comes to managing multiple tasks, getting kids educated and athlecticized, getting in her yoga or daily run, and holding down a full time job. She is a pleasure to have on your arm at any social function, and makes you look better than you actually are. She doesn't drink too much, is good at managing money and working on a limited budget, and can go long periods of time in your absence without so much as looking at another man, even though every man notices her. These women are hard to find. Make a mistake in your choosing, and you'll find yourself in another country wondering if your child is getting the care they need and what kind of a mess you're going to come home to. Imagine trying to do your job overseas when your mind is a million miles away. Pick right, and you'll be able to give good focus on your job at hand knowing that the home you come home to is safe and sound.
Honor her.
Kids don't get themselves to soccer practice. Children don't learn to read on their own. The spouse I describe above is a master at juggling a hundred tasks and making them look simple. She can get kids to do chores and behave themselves at social functions. If she works, then she is often juggling home responsibilities while also contributing to the bottom line and making up for any income that you don't make while you're sporting your night vision goggles. She gets no glory if the house didn't burn down, the new babysitter arrived when they needed to, and she made it to work on time. Hers is a thankless job, and when everything goes well, nobody notices her. It's only when things don't go well that people see the cracks. Not to mention, if she realizes that she's been doing it on her own and can do it better without you since you have nothing to offer her, she is entitled to walk away with a good chunk of your retirement, savings, alimony, and child support.
Find out what she needs and give it to her.
Nobody can pour from an empty cup. Most spouses don't want help with the logistics, they just want to be validated. Nobody is sending her a care package. Every time you go away, her job gets more difficult because the same amount of work exists with less hands to do it. But, she doesn't get a raise. She molds her career around yours, finding jobs that will allow her mobility and flexibility so that she can be there for you when you've got to drop everything and POOF...be gone.
You get to see the world while she gets to see the drivers seat of her mini-van. She wants to know that even though she's the silent partner in your team, and that the world tells you that you're the hero...that you SEE her, she's YOUR hero. Find out what she needs, and give it to her. If she likes gifts, set up an Amazon Prime account and set a calendar event to remind yourself to send her something each month. If her love language is acts of kindness, set up a weekly cleaning service to come clean her home or a Massage Envy account for her and book her a service. If she just wants to be heard, then set aside 10 minutes every few days to call her and not talk about training exercises, missions, staffing, or logistics and just talk about her.
Find out what fills her cup, and fill it. If you do, she will pour over and pour over and pour over.
Good luck, Soldier.