Its been years since I've written. It's been years since I've wanted to, needed to. I used to feel like I'd write out my thoughts and sort them out fully to provide myself clarity and perspective. I'd share them with the world on a blog, which means I attempted to appeal to an audience as well. But, with the shame of the demise of my marriage and the inevitable pain that followed, I felt it difficult to even begin to put words on a page, thought to meaning. I was wiped.
And now...this. Sitting in quiet stillness somewhere in nowhere Tennessee. My kids both physically and emotionally safe sleeping inside. My heart full. A few more pounds on my body, a few more lines on my face. The tear down, the desolate wasteland, the rawness and the bitterness having already swept over me. Then, the rebirth where buds sprout, then begin to mature into fruit. I sit outside looking at waterslides I will ride on with my kids later that day. How beautiful the pain was...how this moment couldn't have gotten here without the pain.
It was a hard road. People say that you've got to be brave enough to tell your story while being kind enough not to tell someone else's. I'll attempt to do that. So here's mine...
I loved. I loved deep, and hard, and fast. I loved my family, my children, my husband. I felt that I often tried to love people who I thought were unlovable, did despicable things. I'd look at the good side of them and focus on that, I'd turn off the bad things, the aggressive, volatile things. I found happiness in my life, fulfillment in my job. I started seeking out friends and counselors. I went to therapy. The more happy I became in my own life, the more difficult certain relationships became for me to maintain. And then, the crack and fault lines really started to show. Aggressiveness started looking less like aggressiveness and more like abuse. The honeymoon periods between episodes became shorter. Volatility became the norm. Eventually, I would look in the mirror and I would no longer see a wife and mother. I would see myself as a single mom. I had a life, and I shared it with my children. I was striving to make it a healthy life....and the unhealthy just didn't have a place in it anymore. I could no longer tolerate the intolerable because I was no longer the person I once was. Compassion left me. Empathy was nowhere to be found. Encouragement and enabling were replaced with a fiery strength...the kind a mama bear can muster to save her cubs, but cannot find to save herself. .
I no longer cared if people liked me, instead I cared if I liked them. I wasn't paying attention to whether or not they wanted to be around me, instead I'd pay careful attention to the way I felt when they came around. I started following the good energy. I stood up for myself. I thought about something I'd heard in an al-anon meeting once...
"Every once in awhile, I'd get angry enough to actually take care of myself..."
What came after was a whirlwind of a dissolution of my marriage, the restructuring of my family, and grief. I lost myself in chocolate. I found friends, amazing friends. I stopped caring about what people knew or thought, and I just told my truth...if people self-selected to not be around after meeting the real me...well, they did me a favor. I fell in love with myself. And then, I fell in love with someone else.
I had one of those moments that 43rd birthday out on the balcony...one of those moments when you just cannot believe life gets this good. As my therapist once said to me..."Mariah, you have an amazing life waiting for you. But you cannot carry it yet. Your arms are too full. You must first put down the burdens you are carrying in your arms so that your arms are empty. Only then, will you be able to grasp what is waiting for you..."
I hope you find the courage to find what is waiting for you.