Boundaries

"I'm no longer willing to lose my self-esteem, self-respect, my children's well-being, my job, my possessions, safety, credit, sanity, or myself to preserve a relationship. I can occasionally give up something during conflict negotiation, but I'm no longer willing to mindlessly lose anything I have for the sake of a relationship." -Melody Beattie, Beyond Codependency.

I read those words for the first time in January of 2009, and they changed my life. At first, I thought that they were so selfish. Isn't a relationship all about give and take, and really about giving more than you get? I mean, that's what I'd always heard...but what if one person does more of the giving, so much that they start to give away parts of their own self-respect?

"No one can make you mad..." a therapist once told me. "Any emotion you feel is because you allow yourself to feel it." "But you don't understand what happened..." I told her. "It doesn't matter," she interjected. "Own your own choices, your feelings. It's okay to be angry, it's okay to feel pain. Realize that you're allowing yourself to feel these emotions. Let the full emotion wash over you, and then allow yourself to release it."

Often, people who feel victimized have poor boundaries. I know that I did, sometimes I still do. We allow others to cross the line that establishes our personal territory, and then we get angry when one does so. The question that we should not be asking is, "Why do they do this to me?" The question we should be asking is, "Why do I allow them to do this to me?" Boundaries aren't at all about the other person, they're about loving and respecting ourself to expect more from yours truly. Establishing healthy boundaries pulls the victim out of the situation. We empower ourselves and our choices in doing so. It doesn't have to be done in a hurtful manner, we don't have to put up walls or write them on a white board for all to see. We can do them quietly, gently, alone. It takes introspection to understand where we feel frustration or victimized in our lives and ask ourselves what we are doing to allow it to happen.

I had a few that I began to establish...

• I will no longer gossip even when others in the room are doing so. I will find a way to softly exit.
• I will no longer sacrifice my workout time or eating habits to the will or schedule of others. If I choose to forego, it is because it is my choice to do so.
• I will no longer refuse to forgive someone, play games, or allow myself to be drawn into an argument. I will think about what I'm responsible for & apologize promptly, I'll be direct and loving when I need to confront, I will deliberately make an effort to release pain I'm holding onto and allow forgiveness.
• If I feel insecure, I feel insecure. If I hurt, I hurt. I will no longer wave my battlewounds. If others ask me about them, I'll talk openly and honestly within my comfort level. I'll give myself time and introspection before trying to articulate.
• I will no longer place a work schedule, paycheck, lifestyle, or anything else at a priority where they take away from my health, balance, or my children's need for my presence. I will not come to the end of my life and wish I'd given more to my health, true happiness, or children's well-being.

I'd love to say that I wrote these down, and...BAM!! I changed. Not so. Growing is a process, a huge first-step is to recognize the areas that are underdeveloped and need attention. Where we are isn't where we are going to be, and it takes accountability, time, and self-reflection to make strides in the right direction. If we write out our boundaries correctly, they should be very high standards to live up to. That's a good thing, allow yourself the journey.
In time, it makes it easy to come to understand that we didn't eat those chili cheese fries because our husband wanted them and we were so selfless that we gave up our workout time for a trip to Sonic. We ate those fries because we chose to...and we could have chosen differently. The same goes for everything else.