Day Fifty: Establishing Healthy Boundaries

The word "boundary" is often equated with the word "wall". They're not the same.

Not at all.

A wall is something that someone puts up to keep people out. A boundary is a way that we take care of ourselves when we feel that our space, time, or resources have been depleted by others leaving nothing for ourselves.

"You make me so angry..."
"I never have time to workout because I'm taking care of our children...or working....or doing chores..."
"I don't get to cook healthy food for because I can't get the kids to eat it..."
"I'd love a manicure or pedicure, or even just a bubble bath, but I don't have any time or money..."

This is whining.

When we whine (as I often find myself doing) we probably need to establish some sort of boundary. That's usually the temperature gauge letting us know that we're assuming the role of the victim. So, how do we establish a healthy boundary in a way so that it doesn't become a wall?

The first step is to recognize that we're whining about something. If we're complaining, we probably have a need that isn't being met. If it's not being met, its because we're choosing not to meet that need. Instead, what we're choosing to do is to sacrifice that need of ours for something else. We know it because we feel victimized.

We don't ask, "Why do they do this to me?" We ask, "Why am I allowing this to happen?" We take full accountability for our anger, hurt, or any emotion that we're allowing ourself to feel. They're not making us mad, we're allowing ourself to become angry at the situation.

We take time to think, journal, and understand what our need actually is. It takes introspection to understand where we feel frustration or victimized in our lives and ask ourselves what we are doing to allow it to happen. If we've gone a long time with our needs being unmet, it can feel selfish to realize that we have needs of our own.

It's not.

We articulate it...first to ourself, then to whomever might be involved....We avoid using words or a tone with  intention to try and evoke emotion. We avoid trying to meet our needs by asking others to sacrifice their needs.

"I am angry...hurt....and frustrated..."
"I need an hour each day a few days per week to exercise..."
"I need to cook healthy food, and I am not willing or able to cook two dinners..."
"I need some time and  money to get a manicure or a pedicure. When I get them, I feel feminine and rejuvinated."

Boundaries aren't at all about the other person, they're about loving and respecting ourself to expect more from yours truly.

I'd love to say that we articulate these and..BAM!! we change. It's probably not going to happen that quickly. Growing is a process. We should allow ourself the journey.

In time, it makes it easy to come to understand that we didn't eat those chili cheese fries because our husband wanted them and we were so selfless that we gave up our workout time for a trip to Sonic. We ate those fries because we chose to...

And we could have chosen differently.