Day Thirty-Nine: The Victim

"You stopped doing weightwatchers, how come?" I asked. "Time and money, just like everything else", was the response. "Time and money, how so?"
"I do for everyone else, and that leaves me not having the time or the money to take care of myself."

There are usually two central reasons why someone plays the victim. The first is due to caretaking, the second is engaging in avoidance behavior. When someone does this, they're often doing a little bit of both.

"Caretaking" is the thought that one needs to self-sacrifice their own needs in order to meet the needs of others. Often, one derives self-worth from doing so, and it can lead to controlling or manipulative behaviors. Often, one doesn't feel that their sacrifice is truly appreciated, and so there might be a martyrdom complex that arises. This is articulated in the conversation above, "I do for others and not myself..."

I definitely engaged in this behavior when I felt that my husband and children didn't appreciate the sacrifices I'd made when I gave up my body to have children. The truth is that I didn't, I gave up my body when I chose to eat poorly and stop exercising during and following my pregnancy.

Usually, buried somewhere way below the emotion is the truth, and it often takes immense self-searching and accountability to locate it. Caretaking's roots are in poor self-confidence, not selflessness.

The second reason people might choose to be a victim is to engage in avoidance behavior. Often, we don't want to do things like eat healthy or work out. We'd rather scarf down the hotdogs & mac-n-cheese that our kids didn't finish. We use excuses to cover up our true desires. Again, it takes self-searching & accountability to uncover the truth.

Nobody can make us mad. We choose to get angry by the actions or expressions we see and/or hear. Nobody can make us not take care of ourselves. Only we choose to forego our own needs. Unless someone is holding us hostage, we are often the victim because we choose to be. That is a decision we can change any time we want.

I challenge you to examine the words that you say. If you find yourself complaining about how you provide for someone and therefore don't have time for yourself, I challenge you to find a way to balance that out appropriately so that everyone's needs are met.